ULTIMATE NARUTO CRACK!
by demondog-alchemist
Summary: oh gawd, i have no idea why i wrote this....it was based off a chat me and my friend becca had...then it evolved into full-blown crack. don't ask why some of this crud happened, i really don't know. rated for total screwed-up-ness. ask all questions.


"Okay scum, get in the car

"Okay scum, get in the car." She said to me. I looked up at her, wide-eyed.

"But what did I do?" I asked.

"Possesion, and most likely use, of illegal drugs. And if you can't do the time, don't do the crime." She said matter-of-factly, dangling the pixi stix that had been in my pocket in my face and shoving me into the back of the police car. I landed sprawled across a boy about my age. He wore a nametag with numbers written on it, as well as the name Neji Hyuuga. I flushed red, getting up off his lap.

"Who's this? What's he in here for? Breathing?" I asked hotly, glaring at the officer.

"Neji, would you like to tell Miss Tyme why you're in here?" she said, looking back at him. He muttered something I couldn't understand.

"What? I can't understand you…" I said, leaning into his shoulder. He turned red, and muttered the same thing, but I still couldn't make it out. I turned to the officer.

"What? What did he do?" I asked again. She stuffed a Twinkie into her mouth and repeated it, just as unintelligible as he said it, if not more. She sprayed Twinkie chunks into my face, and I covered her mouth with my hand.

"Never mind." I turned to Neji again. "Maybe you should tell me." This time he spoke up.

"I'll tell you later."

"Oh, come on!" I said poking him in the stomach. "It can't be _that_ bad."

"It is _that_ bad." The cop said from the front of the car. I glared at her.

"Oh, shut up." I snapped at her, turning back to Neji.

"What'd you do? Theft? Murder?" I asked, grinning at him. He turned his head to face me.

"The second one." He said slowly. I froze, looking at him. He started laughing. "And it was fun. They wouldn't stop screaming…until the end." He said, laughing harder.

"W-who did you k-kill?" I stammered, looking at him. He grinned at me evilly.

"It doesn't matter. They're gone. And everyone will forget about them soon." He laughed. I backed up against the car door, looking at the officer.

"Hey! Let me out of here!" I yelled at her.

"Don't do the crime if you can't do the time." She repeated. I banged my fists against the windows until we got to jail, where she threw both of us into the same cell and locked the door. I just sat there, feeling numb. Neji was still chuckling, and he turned to me.

"Don't worry. I won't hurt you now. But…you better watch out, 24/7." He said, laughing again. I walked to him, trying to look pretty. I was shaking.

"If you won't hurt me, I'll give you a kiss." I said to him. He grinned at me.

"I don't need kisses. I need blood! And guts! Lots of 'em!" he screamed, looking at me. I fell over, looking at him. I moved to the corner, trying to hide from him.

"I will kill you…" he said. I felt tears welling up in the corners of my eyes.

"_Stop_! It is not your fate to be this way!"

"Shut up. I don't care what you say!" he yelled at me. I could see, for a second, the kid he was. He was my age, and he was tired and lonely. I got up and walked over to him, grabbing hold of his hands and kissing him softly on the lips. His eyes opened wide, and he pushed me away, running to a corner. He sat in the corner silently, not looking at me. I sighed, getting up. I walked across the room to where he was sitting.

"Neji, are you ok?" I asked, gently putting a hand on his shoulder. He jumped away at my touch, looking at me.

"Don't touch me!" he said quickly.

"I'm sorry. You were screaming, and I was just trying to calm you down…and you got so red…" I said. He flushed red again.

"I-I'm not r-red, it's j-j-just…" he stammered, looking down. I leaned foreward while I spoke to him.

"Are you sure you're alright? I didn't mean to scare you…" I said, leaning over him. He looked at me – but not at my face! I felt the heat rush to my face as I took his chin and made him look me in the eyes.

"I'm up here, Neji-kun."

"Oh. I…uh…I wasn't looking….there. I was looking…over there!" he said quickly, pointing to a corner of the cell. I giggled, putting my hand near his crotch without noticing.

"Heh. That's alright." I said, laughing. He just looked at me, wide-eyed, and the spot where I put my hand got strangly harder. I glanced down at my hand and flushed scarlet, grabbing my hand away.

"Sorry!" I said, not looking at him. Suddenly, he took my hand and kissed me on the lips. I opened my eyes wide, kissing him back slightly. He let me go, and I fell over hard on my back. he grinned, jumping on me, sliding to the ground next to me and breathing slowly. He put his hand on my arm, smiling at me. I was about to say something when I noticed he was looking at something behind me. I turned around lazly to see what, and I saw another boy, maybe a little older than me, with an erection, staring at us. He had dark black bangs that hung down to his neck, with onyx eyes filled with lust.

"What are you looking at?" I asked him directly, and his face turned tomato red.

"Come on, you can't just be all over each other one second, and as soon as I get exited you decide to stop?!" he griped, motioning to his pants. "I haven't been able to do this in six months!" Suddenly, an angry-looking blonde boy came up behind him in his cell, glaring at him.

"What do you mean, in six months, bitch? Is my love not good enough for you?!" he seethed, grabbing the back of his collar and dragging him into the shadows of their cell, and we heard the black haired boy screaming, "No, Naruto! I was just starting to be able to sit agaaaaaain!"

"Shut up, Sasuke-bitch!"

we looked at each other, sweatdropping.


End file.
